10 Things Every NYC Family Should Know Before Starting Adoption Therapy
If you're reading this, you're probably searching for something you've struggled to find: a therapist who actually gets adoption. Not someone who treats it like a footnote in your history. Not someone who asks surface-level questions and then moves on. You want someone who understands that adoption isn't just an event, it's a lifelong experience that shapes identity, relationships, and how you move through the world.
Whether you're a birth parent carrying decades of unprocessed grief, an adoptee finally ready to explore what you've been feeling your whole life, or an adoptive parent realizing that "standard" parenting advice just isn't working, you're not alone. And you deserve more than a therapist who just nods along.
Here are 10 things I wish every NYC family knew before starting adoption therapy.
1. "Adoption-Competent" Isn't Just a Buzzword, It's Essential
You wouldn't hire a cardiologist to treat a broken bone, right? The same logic applies here. Adoption-competent therapy means working with someone who has specialized training and experience in adoption issues, not just someone who's "open" to talking about it.
Here's what adoption-competent actually looks like:
Understanding the adoption triad (birth parents, adoptees, and adoptive families) and how each role carries unique experiences
Recognizing adoption trauma and loss, even in "good" adoptions
Knowing that adoptees can love their families and still grieve what was lost
Understanding birth parent grief as disenfranchised grief that society tells you to "get over"
Not treating adoption like a problem to "fix," but as a complex identity to explore
I've worked with all three parts of the triad in New York, Connecticut, and Florida, and I can tell you: when you work with someone who truly understands adoption, the relief is palpable. You stop explaining. You start healing.
2. I Work with the Entire Triad (Yes, Really)
Most therapists pick a lane: they work with adoptees, or adoptive parents, or (rarely) birth parents. I work with all three, and that 360-degree view is a game-changer.
Why does this matter? Because adoption isn't a solo experience. It's relational. When I work with an adoptee struggling with identity, I understand the adoptive parent's fear of "losing" their child to the search. When I work with a birth mom drowning in shame, I know the adoptee who might one day be searching for answers. When I work with adoptive parents navigating behavioral challenges, I understand the attachment wounds underneath.
You don't have to worry about me taking sides or misunderstanding your perspective. I see you. All of you.
3. This Is Online Therapy (And That's Actually a Huge Advantage)
Let me be clear: I don't have a Manhattan office where you commute for 50 minutes, sit in a waiting room, and hope nobody you know sees you. This is online adoption therapy, and for most people, that's exactly what they need.
Here's why online works so well for adoption therapy:
Privacy: You can process intense emotions in your own safe space, not in a clinical office
Accessibility: Whether you're in Rochester, Stamford, or Boca Raton, you get the same expert support
Flexibility: No commute means more energy for the actual work
Comfort: You can have your comfort items, your tissues, your weighted blanket, whatever you need
I'm licensed in New York, Connecticut, and Florida, which means if you live in any of those states, we can work together. And if you're a busy NYC parent juggling work and kids, or a birth parent who doesn't want to explain why you're taking time off for therapy, online sessions are a lifeline.
4. This Isn't "Tell Me How You Feel" Therapy, It's Action-Oriented
I'm not here to just listen and nod while you talk in circles for six months. Don't get me wrong, your feelings absolutely matter. But if you're like most of my clients, you've spent years feeling your feelings. What you need now is someone who helps you do something with those feelings.
Here's what action-oriented adoption therapy looks like:
We identify specific, concrete goals (like setting boundaries with intrusive family questions or processing a failed search)
I give you tools and strategies you can use between sessions
We work collaboratively, you're not a passive patient; you're an active participant
We address patterns, not just symptoms
If you're an adoptive parent, this might mean learning attachment-focused parenting strategies that actually work. If you're an adoptee, this might mean building a roadmap for identity exploration that doesn't send you into a shame spiral. If you're a birth parent, this might mean finally giving yourself permission to grieve, and learning how.
5. I Don't Accept Insurance (And Here's Why That Matters)
I know. You probably saw that on my website and winced. But hear me out.
When therapists accept insurance, they're required to give you a mental health diagnosis and submit detailed notes to insurance companies. For adoption work, this can be deeply problematic. Why? Because adoption grief, identity struggles, and relational challenges aren't "disorders", they're normal responses to complex experiences.
By not accepting insurance, I can:
Protect your privacy completely
Focus on your goals, not what insurance says is "medically necessary"
Avoid labeling normal adoption experiences as pathology
Offer longer or shorter sessions based on what you actually need
Yes, it's an investment. But this is your mental health, your identity, and your family's well-being. Many of my clients use HSA/FSA accounts or find that the focused, action-oriented approach actually saves them money in the long run compared to years of unfocused talk therapy.
6. Timing Matters, But It's Never "Too Late"
I hear this all the time: "Should I have started therapy sooner?" or "Is my child too young for this?" or "I placed my child 30 years ago, is it too late to work through this?"
Here's the truth: there's no perfect time, but right now is a good time.
Some families come to me when they're in crisis, a teenage adoptee is acting out, a birth parent is triggered by their placed child's birthday, or an adoptive parent is drowning in secondary trauma. Others come when things are "fine" but something feels... off.
All are valid. You don't need to wait for a crisis to deserve support. And you're never "too far" from your adoption experience to benefit from therapy. I've worked with birth parents processing placements from the 1970s and adoptees in their 60s finally exploring their identity. It's never too late.
7. Red Flags to Watch For in Adoption Therapists
Not everyone who says they "work with adoption" is actually competent. Here are some red flags that should send you running:
"You should just be grateful" (to adoptees or adoptive families)
"It's time to move on" (to birth parents)
"Have you tried just...being firmer?" (to adoptive parents struggling with trauma behaviors)
Treating adoption as a single event rather than a lifelong experience
Not understanding the difference between open, semi-open, and closed adoptions
Making you feel like you're being "too sensitive" about adoption-related pain
Pushing reunion or contact when you're not ready
If a therapist dismisses your experience or makes you feel worse, that's not you, that's them. You deserve better.
8. What to Actually Expect in Our Sessions
I believe in transparency, so let me walk you through what working together actually looks like:
Most clients meet with me weekly or biweekly via secure video. Sessions are collaborative, I'm not the "expert" lecturing you. We work together to identify patterns, build skills, and move toward your goals.
I might give you resources, exercises, or tools to practice. This isn't homework, it's support. If you don't do it, we'll talk about what got in the way (without judgment).
I'm a solo practitioner, which means when you email me, you're emailing me, not a receptionist or admin. I typically respond within 24-48 hours.
9. Location Flexibility Across NY, CT, and FL
One of the biggest advantages of online therapy is that location doesn't box you in. I'm licensed in New York, Connecticut, and Florida, which means if you live anywhere in those states, we can work together.
Whether you're in:
Manhattan dealing with the pressure of "perfect" adoptive parenting
Stamford navigating an open adoption that's getting complicated
West Babylon processing your identity as an adult adoptee
Boca Raton finally addressing birth parent grief decades later
I've got you. You don't need to live in a specific zip code to access adoption-competent therapy. You just need an internet connection and the willingness to show up.
10. The First Step Is the Hardest (Let Me Make It Easier)
Here's what I know about people considering adoption therapy: you've probably been thinking about it for a while. Maybe months. Maybe years. You've googled "adoption therapist NYC" at 2 a.m. You've read articles. You've wondered if you're "bad enough" to need help.
You may need help, but you’re not "bad" at all, you're human.
The first step is reaching out. That's it. You don't need to have everything figured out. You don't need to know exactly what you want to work on. You just need to either schedule or email me with any questions.
Here's what that looks like:
Visit my contact page
You can click on my scheduling link. That link will take you to my calendar where you can self-schedule a session with me.
If you don’t yet feel comfortable scheduling, you can also call or email me with any questions.
No pressure. No judgment. Just support.
You've been carrying this alone for too long. Whether you're a birth parent who was told to "forget and move on," an adoptee who's been masking your whole life, or an adoptive parent who's exhausted from trying to fix something that isn't broken: you deserve a therapist who understands the terrain.
I work with families across New York, Connecticut, and Florida, offering online, action-oriented adoption therapy that actually meets you where you are.
Ready to take the first step? Click the link below to schedule a session by finding a time on my calendar that works for you, or contact me with any questions.
