Is Therapy for Adoptees Different from Regular Therapy?
You've sat in a therapist's office before. You've talked about your job stress, your relationships, maybe even your childhood. But when you mention being adopted, you get a nod, a sympathetic head tilt, and then... nothing. The conversation moves on like it's just another fact about you, like saying you grew up in the suburbs or you have two siblings.
Except it doesn't feel like just another fact. It feels central to who you are, even if you can't always explain why.
Here's the truth: therapy for adoptees is different from regular therapy. Not because there's something "wrong" with you, but because adoption is a complex, lifelong experience that shapes identity, attachment, and how you move through the world. And most therapists: even really good ones: don't have the training to understand that.
What's Missing in Regular Therapy
Let's be clear: regular therapists aren't bad at their jobs. Many of them are compassionate, skilled professionals. But if they haven't completed specialized training in adoption-competent care, they're working with an incomplete map.
Here's what typically happens in regular therapy when you're an adoptee:
Your adoption is treated as a past event. You were adopted at six months old? Great, moving on. Except that relinquishment and placement aren't just historical facts: they're experiences your body and brain remember, even if you have no conscious memory of them.
You're asked generic questions. "How does that make you feel?" is the classic therapy line, and while feelings matter, adoptees often need help naming what they're feeling in the first place. There's grief, there's loyalty, there's identity confusion: and it's all tangled together.
Your behaviors are misunderstood. If you struggle with perfectionism, people-pleasing, or feeling like you need to "earn" your place in relationships, a regular therapist might address those as standalone issues. An adoption-competent therapist recognizes them as survival strategies you developed early on.
This isn't about blame. Regular therapists simply haven't been trained to see adoption as a primal wound, a trauma that exists even in the "best case" adoption scenarios. They may genuinely believe that because you were adopted into a loving family, you shouldn't have any issues. And that belief: however well-meaning: can leave you feeling even more isolated.
What Makes Therapy for Adoptees Different
Adoption-competent therapy isn't just regular therapy with the word "adoption" sprinkled in. It's a specialized framework that recognizes adoption as a complex life condition requiring nuanced understanding.
It's Trauma-Informed
Even if you were placed with your adoptive family as a newborn, your brain and body experienced a disruption. Research shows that all adopted children experience changes in brain chemistry and structure due to early separation from their birth mother. This isn't about blaming anyone: it's about acknowledging biological reality.
An adoption-competent therapist understands implicit memory. You may not consciously remember being relinquished, but your nervous system does. That's why certain experiences: like rejection, abandonment, or even positive life changes: can trigger reactions that feel disproportionate to the situation.
It Addresses the Whole Triad
Adoption doesn't just involve you. It involves your birth parents and your adoptive parents, too. Even if you've never met your birth parents, they're part of your story. An adoption-competent therapist helps you explore that reality without shame or guilt.
This doesn't mean your adoptive parents did anything wrong. It means that loving your adoptive family and grieving the loss of your birth family can coexist. Both things can be true at the same time.
It Recognizes Identity as a Lifelong Process
"Who am I?" isn't a question you asked once as a teenager and then moved on from. For many adoptees, identity is an ongoing exploration. You might look different from your family. You might have genetic questions. You might feel caught between two cultures, two histories, two versions of yourself.
Therapy for adoptees creates space for that exploration without rushing you toward resolution. There's no timeline for "figuring it out."
How I Approach Therapy for Adoptees
I'm Gayle, and I've spent years working with adoptees: both as individuals and as part of adoptive families. My approach isn't about sitting back and asking, "How does that make you feel?" over and over. It's about digging deep, being collaborative, and creating real, tangible change.
We Work Together
You're the expert on your own life. I'm the expert on adoption-informed therapy. Together, we figure out what's getting in your way and how to move forward. This isn't about me telling you what to do: it's about us building a roadmap that actually works for your life.
We Get Specific
Vague feelings of "not belonging" or "feeling different" are starting points, not endpoints. We'll name what's happening, explore where it comes from, and identify concrete strategies to help you feel more grounded in who you are.
We Address the Hard Stuff
Loyalty conflicts. Grief for people you've never met. Anger at a system you didn't choose to be part of. Guilt for having feelings that seem "ungrateful." We don't shy away from any of it. These feelings don't make you a bad person: they make you human.
Who This Is For
You might benefit from adoption-competent therapy if:
You've tried therapy before, but it felt like something was missing
You struggle with perfectionism, people-pleasing, or feeling like you're "too much" and "not enough" at the same time
You have questions about your birth family but feel guilty bringing them up
You experience anxiety or depression that doesn't seem fully explained by your current circumstances
You feel disconnected from your own identity or struggle to answer "Who am I?"
You're navigating a major life transition (relationship, career, becoming a parent) and adoption feelings are surfacing
You don't need to have had a "traumatic" adoption to benefit from this work. Even if your adoption story is what most people would call "positive," you're allowed to have complex feelings about it.
What to Expect in Our Work Together
Therapy for adoptees with me is action-oriented and grounded. Here's what that looks like in practice:
We start where you are. Maybe you're in crisis, or maybe you're just curious. Either way, we'll create a plan that fits your needs right now.
We explore your story. Not just the facts of your adoption, but how it's shaped the way you see yourself, your relationships, and your place in the world.
We build skills. Whether it's managing anxiety, setting boundaries, or navigating difficult conversations with family members, you'll leave sessions with tools you can actually use.
We adjust as we go. Therapy isn't one-size-fits-all. If something isn't working, we talk about it and change course.
I provide online therapy for people in New York, Connecticut, and Florida, which means you can do this work from wherever feels most comfortable for you.
The Difference It Makes
Here's what I see happen when adoptees work with someone who actually gets it:
You stop feeling like you're overreacting or being dramatic
You start to understand the "why" behind behaviors that have confused you for years
You feel more integrated: like all the parts of your story can finally exist in the same room
Your relationships improve because you're not constantly trying to prove your worth
You develop a sense of groundedness that doesn't depend on external validation
This isn't about "fixing" you. It's about helping you come home to yourself.
Ready to Try Something Different?
If regular therapy hasn't quite hit the mark, you're not out of options. Adoption-competent therapy offers a different framework: one that recognizes your full story and gives you space to explore it without judgment.
I'm here if you want to talk. You can reach out through my contact page or learn more about my work with adoptees in New York, Connecticut, and Florida.
You deserve therapy that sees all of you: not just the parts that fit into a neat narrative. Let's dig deeper together.
