5 Ways to Handle & Overcome Parental Anxiety
Welcome to my website! I am Gayle Weill, LCSW, a licensed psychotherapist in private practice, currently offering telehealth sessions for parents in Florida, New York, and Connecticut.
I have specialized training in Child-Parent Psychotherapy, EMDR, and Hypnosis. I am also nationally accredited as an adoption-competent therapist and certified as a Circle of Security-Parenting program facilitator, which promotes the attachment bond between parents and their young children.
Take it from a licensed therapist who specializes in working with anxious mothers of young children -anxious parenting is very common. The goal of this blog post is to provide an overview of how to overcome parent anxiety, and explain the best ways for how to achieve that.
Why am I constantly worried about my child?
You constantly worry about your child and you want to keep your child safe. You wish you could relax, but you don't know how. You want to be able to enjoy your child without constantly feeling overwhelmed and anxious. Quite frankly, it's all-consuming and exhausting to feel like this all the time. Fortunately, there is hope, even when it may not seem like it. You can learn to manage anxiety.
It is essential to know that this happens for many parents. You love your child so much, and it makes sense that you worry.
With school shootings and the worry of making sure your kids are eating well, sleeping well, and having all their other basic needs met, there is no question that this could lead to anxiety or even fear for your child's life.
One problem is that perhaps you notice that you worry more than most parents do.
A few different sources or contributing factors:
Disorders such as Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD):
If a parent is diagnosed with something like OCD they will be more inclined to have intrusive thoughts about their child's health, safety, and well-being.
Hormonal imbalance:
Parental anxiety could be due to the post-partum period, which is a time when new mothers, in particular, are at risk for hormone imbalance as the body adjusts to having a new baby and all the changes involved with that. Fathers, too, are not immune to post-partum disorders.
Child anxiety:
Perhaps you have a child who is more prone to anxiety? This could undoubtedly exacerbate your own worry and your own anxious symptoms.
Being raised in an anxious household:
Growing up with anxious parents can influence one's anxiety levels through learned behaviors and genetic predispositions. If one's parents were anxious and struggled with coping, it might lead to a lack of effective coping strategies in their parenting.
Depressive disorders:
Depression can drain a parent's energy and motivation, making it difficult to engage in parenting tasks and leading to feelings of guilt and anxiety disorders.
Child's development:
Concerns about whether a child is meeting developmental milestones on time can create significant worry for a parent, especially when comparing the child to their peers.
One's own stress:
Everyday hardships from work, relationships, and personal issues can accumulate, making it harder to cope with parenting and leading to excessive worry, one's own anxiety, and even depression.
What are the triggers for parental anxiety?
Several things could trigger and lead to parental anxiety signs. It could be one thing, or it can be several things.
Contributing factors
Lack of social support:
Without a support network, parents may feel isolated, overwhelmed by the demands of parenting, and unable to prioritze their own needs. It makes a big difference when you have help with parenting tasks, either from family, friends, or your fellow co-parent. Even just another adult to talk to and confide in can make a difference for managing anxiety.
Lack of sleep:
Sleep deprivation can impair cognitive functioning and emotional regulation, causing excessive unease. If you want to give yourself the best chance at not being irritable throughout the day, a prerequisite for managing difficult emotions is getting enough sleep.
This can be challenging for new parents with young children keeping them up throughout the night.
For others, it can be challenging to know what came first - did the person become excessively nervous from not sleeping, or was the person not sleeping well because their anxiety kept them from being able to fall asleep?
Time management difficulties:
Cronically struggling to balance multiple responsibilities can make parents feel overwhelmed and is one of the risk factors for developing an anxiety disorder.
Lack of parental self-care:
Neglecting self-care in daily life can lead to burnout, which reduces the ability to manage parenting stress effectively, and increases negative consequences in one's own experiences. Remember that your stress is essential to manage, even if your first instinct is to put your child first. Making sure your needs are met essentially is taking care of your child.
Pre-existing anxiety disorders or mental health challenges:
Existing mental health issues can amplify the exasperation associated with parenting. To illustrate this, if one has a personal history of social anxiety disorder, having children and needing to socialize with other parents, could contribute to anxiety symptoms.
How does parental anxiety affect child development?
The meta-analysis from systematic review shows that parental anxiety may contribute to childhood anxiety, avoidance behaviors or other health conditions.
Research shows that when family members are anxious or experiencing negative emotions, this could trigger anxiety in the children, increase the children's risk of developing into anxious individuals, and prevent children from thriving.
Childhood anxiety could be caused by being in an anxious environment. The child's risk is increased by being around anxious behaviors, regardless of whether their parents try to hide their anxiety symptoms from them.
Know that there is hope
However, that being stated, one of the worst things for a parent is to feel like they increased their kids' risk of harm. This blog article is not meant to shame anyone. Sometimes non-anxious parents have anxious children too.
Please know that if you have, or have a family history of an anxiety disorder, it isn't your fault, and all hope is not lost.
You can learn how to effectively manage anxiety and/or seek professional help when you feel anxious, ultimately helping yourself and your resilient children.
5 tips for how to deal with parental anxiety
Below are some tips for how to overcome parental anxiety and manage one's stress levels.
1. Practicing mindfulness
Example: Try a grounding exercise to practice staying in the present moment.
How to do it: Notice your five senses - What colors do you see? (a bright blue sky and some leaves in the distance perhaps). What sounds? (a baby crying? People laughing?) What do you taste? (did you just have a sip of sugary coffee just now? Or maybe you just brushed your teeth and you can still taste that minty toothpaste.) What textrures do you feel? (the leather from the couch you're sitting on?) What do you smell? (perhaps that coffee you were still tasting?). Intentionally practice noticing all of these senses around you.
Parental anxiety benefit: One way to practice mindfulness is by learning how to stay in the present moment, which is the goal of this grounding exercise. With anxiety, one may start worrying about certain fears that may or may not happen in the future; or ruminating over past events. Ironically though, the present moment is all we actually have. Mindfulness helps one stay in the present moment and puts things into perspective.
2. Breathing exercises
One thing you can do: Try the 4-7-8 calm breathing exericse.
How to do it: Slowly take in a deep breath for 4 seconds. A deep breath, as opposed to a shallow breath, is when your diaphragm is rising, not your shoulders. Hold that breath for 7 seconds. Then slowly release the breath, exhaling for 8 seconds.
Parental anxiety benefit: This is one of many relaxation techniques. When we take deep breaths, it is another way to calm down and stay in the present moment. Breathing of course provides more oxygen for our brains, which then helps us to think more clearly and more easily calm our bodies down.
3. Let go of parental overcontrol
One thing you can do: Start small - let one thing go that you normally wouldn't.
How to do it: It can be challenging not getting into a power struggle with our kids! To illustrate this, perhaps you worry that your child isn't eating enough, and maybe he doesn't want to eat breakfast.
Normally you get into an argument with him about it and force the issue. Instead, intentionally choose to let this go.
If you can tell yourself that he eats a big lunch, or school is going to offer snack when he gets there, and/or his pediatrician says that he is on his growth curve, that should alleviate some of the anxiety regarding him not eating breakfast. Be able to put things in perspective and challenge some of that anxiety. Sometimes forcing an issue only leads to more anxiety, not just for the parent, but also for the child.
Parental anxiety benefit: The less things you're anxious about, the less anxiety you'll have. Also, getting into power struggles with our kids only increases anxiety.
4. Physical activity
One thing you can do: Take a 30 minute walk.
How to do it: You can walk around your neighborhood, on a treadmill, or with a friend.
Parental anxiety benefit: Exercise increases endorphins, which keeps one happier and feeling physically better. This then improves one's mood and keeps anxiety at bay.
5. Talk therapy
Example: Meet with a therapist.
How to do it: You can find a therapist that you connect with by going to therapy directories online, or getting recommendations from friends or family.
Parental anxiety benefit: Seeking professional help is brave, and can feel like one of life's many ambiguous situations. It's not easy talking with someone you never met with before! However, anxious thoughts can really impact the quality of one's life, and a therapist is trained to help alleviate these symptoms and help the people they work with to feel comfortable. Read more here about how I help in my therapy practice.
In my experience
It goes without saying that parenting anxiety is a real thing that can affect people in many ways. The following scenarios illustrate people working through their difficult feelings in therapy with me.
*Names changed for the sake of confidentiality.
Judy's story
Judy was a client of mine who experienced extreme worry for her children. She expressed feeling scared that something terrible would happen to them at school or at a yfriend's house.
In therapy we explored where these fears might be coming from. When Judy revealed that she used to be bullied in school and was once touched inappropriately at a friend's house growing up, that put her fear for her children into perspective.
This realization helped Judy to put her fears into perspective. She came to realize that yes, these terrible things can and do happen, but it doesn't mean her experiences will be shared by her children. Judy was able to process this in therapy. She also learned and practiced mindfulness and other coping skills for managing any difficult thoughts that continued to come up.
Jane's time in therapy
Jane was another client of mine that just had a baby. She reported intense preoccupation with frightening thoughts that her baby would die from Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS).
I validated her fears - there is indeed a risk of SIDS during infancy. Jane loves her baby, it made sense that she would worry about this.
The worry seemed excessive though. Jane reported not being able to sleep, constantly crying due to this, and yelling at her husband at least three times a week because he didn't share her concerns.
Therapy helped normalize this for Jane, but to also put in perspective that she can be a good mother, while also letting go of some of this intense worry. In our therapy sessions, we came up with a checklist that she can use to ensure infant safety best practices.
If Jane did everything on the checklist to ensure her baby's safety each time before putting him to sleep, she then would allow herself permission to let go of some of her concern.
Having a visual and being able to check off each task on this checklist helped her feel more in control. We also discussed her sleep, and other ways of her getting self-care. Slowly, but surely, Jane reported feeling more like herself and less worried constantly.
Introductory call with me
Parental anxiety is common, but if you are having difficulty managing it, therapy can help. Please contact me for a free 15-minute phone consultation if you are struggling. During the phone call we will evaluate if we would be a good fit for therapy. I look forward to hearing from you!
